Your daily dose of profundity
Sometimes, being deep is knowing when to be superficial.
Business Writing And The Evils Thereof
Yes, it's time for a spot of audience participation. Below are two different ways of phrasing a news post for an airsoft game taking place in Sweden next year. Bearing in mind that the audience is airsofters, which of the two do you think is more appropriate? Votes on a postcard... or in a comment, I suppose, if you're picky.
This...
...or this?
What say you?
This...
Unpaid Tickets Deleted
We're about to delete the unpaid tickets, releasing them for booking. We'll start with the unpaid Swedish bookings, then get on to foreign bookings on Friday to allow for the longer processing time on payments from abroad. We will also be allocating some of them to people on the queue.
Those who have contacted us to let us know about delays in payment will not be removed; if you've told us your payment will be late and have been removed anyway, let us know at the usual address and it'll all be sorted out.
Oh, and we've already got through the first 75 unpaid Swedish bookings.
...or this?
Culling The Herd
It's that time again!
Once again we start the unending battle 'gainst the unpaid. Armed with holy water, stakes and flaming torches, we're about to cut yet another bloody swathe through the unpaid hordes.
We'll begin with the unpaid Swedish bookings, then get on to foreign bookings on Friday to allow for the longer processing time on payments from abroad. We'll be releasing these slots for booking, and will be allocating some of them to people on the queue.
Those who have contacted us to let us know about delays in payment will not be removed; if you've told us your payment will be late and have been removed anyway, let us know at the usual address and it'll all be sorted out. Within seconds, I tell you! Seconds! (Or at least a couple of days. Probably.)
What say you?
Silly Labels
I was looking at a bottle of Tesco Value Still Water, and noticed something odd.
"Recyclable where facilities exist." Well, yeah. So's nuclear waste.
Waxing philosophical
I am a genius.
I am the greatest philosopher of this or any age.
On the way home tonight I had the most profound insight.
A revelation of such earth-shattering magnitude that it could transform life as we know it for the entire human race.
Then I saw a bottle of Fanta and a packet of crisps, and once I'd finished those and a pack of choc chip cookies I'd forgotten what the whole kerfuffle was all about.
Ah well. Your loss.
I am the greatest philosopher of this or any age.
On the way home tonight I had the most profound insight.
A revelation of such earth-shattering magnitude that it could transform life as we know it for the entire human race.
Then I saw a bottle of Fanta and a packet of crisps, and once I'd finished those and a pack of choc chip cookies I'd forgotten what the whole kerfuffle was all about.
Ah well. Your loss.
Random Late-Night Ponderings
It's one AM, I've been briefly asleep, and now I'm awake again, can't sleep, bugger the world and sod the rest, and so on and so forth.
So I started thinking, my brain swooping randomly hither and thither. And I started thinking about things I probably shouldn't think about, such as the afterlife, religion, why I'm pathetic, and how they get those little stripes in the toothpaste.
So I've come to a few conclusions:
There is none. The meaning of life is simply to live; humans exist only to exist (and procreate, but so many people are doing that so well that it's probably not a major consideration).
So if there's no meaning to life beyond life itself, what about those who feel they need some sort of meaning? Well, they turn to...
(If you're highly religious, be careful - this may offend you, but I hope not -
it's not intended to.)
Well, what's the point in religion? All right, it's codes of behaviour to keep a bronze-age society disease-free in the desert, and to generally stop people from poking bloody great holes in one another with sharp sticks.
But since modern civilisation isn't bronze age (and, in most cases, not in the desert), and religion itself has so frequently been used as an excuse for poking bloody great holes in people with sharp sticks, then what's the point of religion?
Simple, again; because people are worried about where they go when they die. They want to know that, if they've been good, they go somewhere nice with sunshine, good food, and expensive golf courses.[1] They want to know that people who've been nasty to them go somewhere unpleasant, possibly with non-stop reruns of Kilroy[2].
But that's something I'll come back to. For now, there is, in my view, a basic flaw with religion:
Any god who craves worship isn't worth worshipping.
Look at SAS squaddies. They tend to be quiet, at least outside the Regiment. They don't tend to brag about what they've done, their level of fitness and competence, and so on. They know what they're good at, they're secure and confident in themselves. They don't need the adulation of the masses.
And yet people happily line up to swear fealty to a god that demands constant worship, which strikes me as odd. And how can people justify saying "My religion is right, all the others are wrong"? Well, OK, they frequently try to justify it with "Because God said so", but so do all the other sides, so how can any of them be more plausible than any of the others? And why should gods be given more regard than other people?
And that, I suppose, is my fundamental disagreement with religion. It says gods are more important than people, and stuff like that. If people go against gods, they need to be put down, and whatnot. But if gods go against people, who can't defend themselves, the god is the one who gets the praise.
It's like that line in the first episode of The West Wing - "We're being invaded by 1200 Cubans on rafts" "I'm not saying I don't like our chances."
Why is the bully the one getting the praise, while the underdogs are being told "You should have given us your lunch money, this would never have happened. It's your own fault."
Which brings me to...
It's exactly the same. If you go against the norm, it's your own fault that you're shunned. If you, for instance, don't like getting drunk at every turn, watching football[3] and bonking people at random, you're an outcast, not in with the crowd, not worth the time of day.
There are people joining whole vaguely ridiculous subcultures, imitating hundreds of others to prove their individuality.
And why is everything divided into black and white? You're either Tory or Labour, Democrat or Republican, In or Out, Us or Them, Black or White, With Us or Against Us. There are no shades of grey any more.
And criticism is practically banned! People are so used to having their egos stroked - non-competitive sports days, whose stupid idea was that? - that they can't take constructive criticism; look at any fanfic site, for instance, and the slightest hint of dipping below "LOL bestest fic EVAH!!!11!!!" is considered a flame.
So, what comes after it? Is it Heaven and Hell? Is it Limbo? Is it a cuppa with Osiris?
Actually, I quite hope that it's just The End. It's the least fright... terrifying of the alternatives. Or, if the world, as Terry Pratchett suggested, really did start with "A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three four", I wonder if death is the big twiddly bit at the end, with lots of fast runs round the drums and cymbals and the saxophone going all squiggly at the top of its range and everything sounding bloody incredible, and then you get off the stage, get your free drink, and then total oblivion. I'd quite like that, I think. [4]
That said, I should probably get some exercise. And some sleep would be good, too. I get vaguely wibbly when I'm tired, which is particularly disconcerting when I also have access to a keyboard, newsgroups, and m4d 100 wpm |337 7yp1n6 5k1||z. D00d. And, er, possibly w00t.
Oh yes, there was something else, wasn't there. So, finally...
Just how do they get those stripes in?
[1] - Like Dubai, in fact. Yes, heaven is a place on Earth. Possibly.
[2] - Actually, he's probably live all the time there.
[3] - Even when there's actual interesting stuff on TV that actually requires attention and some degree of mental activity.
[4] - Oh, and don't worry - however it may sound[5], I'm not planning to top myself. However unpleasant my life gets - and it's not that bad right now - it's nowhere near unpleasant enough for that terrifying uncertainty to become the more attractive option.
[5] - It's weird. Whenever you tell a doctor that you're feeling depressed, their first question is always "Do you ever think of harming yourself?" My answer, accurate on a couple of occasions, flippant on most of them, has always been "No. Harming others, perhaps." Fortunately
they all know I'm not homicidal except when someone's standing between me and
chips.
So I started thinking, my brain swooping randomly hither and thither. And I started thinking about things I probably shouldn't think about, such as the afterlife, religion, why I'm pathetic, and how they get those little stripes in the toothpaste.
So I've come to a few conclusions:
THE MEANING OF LIFE
There is none. The meaning of life is simply to live; humans exist only to exist (and procreate, but so many people are doing that so well that it's probably not a major consideration).
So if there's no meaning to life beyond life itself, what about those who feel they need some sort of meaning? Well, they turn to...
RELIGION
(If you're highly religious, be careful - this may offend you, but I hope not -
it's not intended to.)
Well, what's the point in religion? All right, it's codes of behaviour to keep a bronze-age society disease-free in the desert, and to generally stop people from poking bloody great holes in one another with sharp sticks.
But since modern civilisation isn't bronze age (and, in most cases, not in the desert), and religion itself has so frequently been used as an excuse for poking bloody great holes in people with sharp sticks, then what's the point of religion?
Simple, again; because people are worried about where they go when they die. They want to know that, if they've been good, they go somewhere nice with sunshine, good food, and expensive golf courses.[1] They want to know that people who've been nasty to them go somewhere unpleasant, possibly with non-stop reruns of Kilroy[2].
But that's something I'll come back to. For now, there is, in my view, a basic flaw with religion:
Any god who craves worship isn't worth worshipping.
Look at SAS squaddies. They tend to be quiet, at least outside the Regiment. They don't tend to brag about what they've done, their level of fitness and competence, and so on. They know what they're good at, they're secure and confident in themselves. They don't need the adulation of the masses.
And yet people happily line up to swear fealty to a god that demands constant worship, which strikes me as odd. And how can people justify saying "My religion is right, all the others are wrong"? Well, OK, they frequently try to justify it with "Because God said so", but so do all the other sides, so how can any of them be more plausible than any of the others? And why should gods be given more regard than other people?
And that, I suppose, is my fundamental disagreement with religion. It says gods are more important than people, and stuff like that. If people go against gods, they need to be put down, and whatnot. But if gods go against people, who can't defend themselves, the god is the one who gets the praise.
It's like that line in the first episode of The West Wing - "We're being invaded by 1200 Cubans on rafts" "I'm not saying I don't like our chances."
Why is the bully the one getting the praise, while the underdogs are being told "You should have given us your lunch money, this would never have happened. It's your own fault."
Which brings me to...
MODERN SOCIETY
It's exactly the same. If you go against the norm, it's your own fault that you're shunned. If you, for instance, don't like getting drunk at every turn, watching football[3] and bonking people at random, you're an outcast, not in with the crowd, not worth the time of day.
There are people joining whole vaguely ridiculous subcultures, imitating hundreds of others to prove their individuality.
And why is everything divided into black and white? You're either Tory or Labour, Democrat or Republican, In or Out, Us or Them, Black or White, With Us or Against Us. There are no shades of grey any more.
And criticism is practically banned! People are so used to having their egos stroked - non-competitive sports days, whose stupid idea was that? - that they can't take constructive criticism; look at any fanfic site, for instance, and the slightest hint of dipping below "LOL bestest fic EVAH!!!11!!!" is considered a flame.
DEATH
So, what comes after it? Is it Heaven and Hell? Is it Limbo? Is it a cuppa with Osiris?
Actually, I quite hope that it's just The End. It's the least fright... terrifying of the alternatives. Or, if the world, as Terry Pratchett suggested, really did start with "A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three four", I wonder if death is the big twiddly bit at the end, with lots of fast runs round the drums and cymbals and the saxophone going all squiggly at the top of its range and everything sounding bloody incredible, and then you get off the stage, get your free drink, and then total oblivion. I'd quite like that, I think. [4]
That said, I should probably get some exercise. And some sleep would be good, too. I get vaguely wibbly when I'm tired, which is particularly disconcerting when I also have access to a keyboard, newsgroups, and m4d 100 wpm |337 7yp1n6 5k1||z. D00d. And, er, possibly w00t.
Oh yes, there was something else, wasn't there. So, finally...
TOOTHPASTE
Just how do they get those stripes in?
[1] - Like Dubai, in fact. Yes, heaven is a place on Earth. Possibly.
[2] - Actually, he's probably live all the time there.
[3] - Even when there's actual interesting stuff on TV that actually requires attention and some degree of mental activity.
[4] - Oh, and don't worry - however it may sound[5], I'm not planning to top myself. However unpleasant my life gets - and it's not that bad right now - it's nowhere near unpleasant enough for that terrifying uncertainty to become the more attractive option.
[5] - It's weird. Whenever you tell a doctor that you're feeling depressed, their first question is always "Do you ever think of harming yourself?" My answer, accurate on a couple of occasions, flippant on most of them, has always been "No. Harming others, perhaps." Fortunately
they all know I'm not homicidal except when someone's standing between me and
chips.
Soldiers - Hired Killers or actually pretty decent?
There's a thread on Alt.Fan.Pratchett at the moment which has me slightly riled. Here's my latest reply, and the post I'm replying to:
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
And another test...
Air Strike You preferred a weapon with 50% power over speed and 81% range over melee. |
You use Air Strikes. Fighting? Fighting is for idiots! All you have to do is make a quick walkie-talkie call and have the ground ahead of you carpeted with explosive charges. Your enemies will be searching frantically for refuge as you chuckle from afar. |
 |
| Link: The What's Your Signature Weapon Test written by inurashii on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Just did a politics test...
| You are a Social Liberal (61% permissive) and an... Economic Moderate (43% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
Seems pretty accurate to me.
Oh, here's a good one...
The credulity of these scammers never ceases to amaze me. Apart from using a cheap and tacky .ca email address (for, may I point out, the UK National Lottery), they rabbit on about their "European agent".
Oh, and they use cheesy copy-and-pasted clips from the real National Lottery website. And a foul script font. Ah well. But I particularly like the warning about fraudulent emails - and warning you to send info about fraudulent emails to the Customer Care line. With a Yahoo address, of course.
With the subject line "WINNING NOTIFICATION CONGRATULATION", I present, for your enjoyment, the following abomination:
Oh, and they use cheesy copy-and-pasted clips from the real National Lottery website. And a foul script font. Ah well. But I particularly like the warning about fraudulent emails - and warning you to send info about fraudulent emails to the Customer Care line. With a Yahoo address, of course.
With the subject line "WINNING NOTIFICATION CONGRATULATION", I present, for your enjoyment, the following abomination:
The National Lottery
P O Box 1010
Liverpool, L70 1NL
UNITED KINGDOM
(Customer Services)
WINNING NOTIFICATION:
Ref: XYL /26510460037/05
Batch: 24/00319/IPDDear Winner,
We happily announce to you the draw (#1062) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY,online Sweepstakes International program held on
Saturday 25 febuary 2006 ( Draw 1062).Your e-mail address attached to ticket number:56475600545 188 with
Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers:07 14 24 37 43 48 29which subsequently won you the lottery in the 1st category i.e match 6.You
have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £1,129,901(One
million,one hundred and twenty nine thousand,nine hundred and one pound
sterlings.) in cash credited to file XYL /26510460037/05 .This
is from a total cash prize of £5,167,604(Five million,one hundred and
sixty seven thousand,six hundred and four Pounds Sterlings.) shared
amongst the (4) lucky winners in this category i.e Match 6.All
participants for the online version were selected randomly from World
Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over
100,000 unions,associatons and corporate bodies that are listed online.All
participants for the online version were selected randomly from World
Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over
100,000 unions,associations,and corporate bodies that are listed
online. This promotion takes place weekly.Please
note that your lucky winning number falls within our European booklet
representative office in Europe as indicated in your play coupon.
In
view of this,1,129,901(One million,one hundred and twenty nine
thousand,nine hundred and one pound sterlings.) would be released to
you by any of our payment offices in Europe.Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.For
security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information
confidential your claim is processed and your money remitted to you in
whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.
This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.Please be warned. To file for your claim, please contact our claims agent:Overseas Claims Unit
United Kingdom Lottery Fiduciary
NIL TREAVERS(Mr).uknatlotto_williamsbridge@yahoo.co.ukEmail: uknational_lotteryagent1@yahoo.co.ukTel:+447023055535.Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the
release of your funds as soon as you contact him. You may wish to establish
contact via e-mail with the particulars presented above citing the batch
and reference numbers to this letter.Our winners are assured of the utmost standards of confidentiality, and
press anonymity until the end of proceedings, and beyond where they so
desire. Be further advised to maintain the strictest level of
confidentiality until the end of proceedings to circumvent problems
associated with fraudulent claims. This is part of our precautionary
measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program.
Goodluck from me and members of staff of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.Yours faithfully,Brian Hunt
Online coordinator for UK NATIONAL
LOTTERY,Warning!!!: Fraudulent emails are circulating that appear to be using National Lottery addresses, but are not from The National Lottery.PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO: CUSTOMER CARE/COMPLAINTS DEPT:uknationallottery_customercare@yahoo.comYou can go to our online result site to confirm the value of your winnings and also get a prize breakdown:-
Just a brief note...
The West Wing is a bloody brilliant show. It's nice these days to find a show that assumes its audience is intelligent, rather than assuming we're all idiots.
That is all.
That is all.
Military quotes
Just found a link to this rather good page of military quotes: http://www.urbin.net/EWW/sigs/mil-sigs2.html
A few favourites:
( Cue looooong list of favourites - click here to read 'em )
A few favourites:
( Cue looooong list of favourites - click here to read 'em )
Student Surveys
I just got a link to "The Student Survey". Apparently it#s to help the NUS and whatnot figure out what universities are good and which are Durham. Anyway, so I plod through the bugger, and get to this question:
Okay, that wasn't the one I copied a moment ago, but ah well. Anyway, it was full of things like that. "The course has taught me to discuss academic stuff with other students," "I have become more confident as a result of the course," "I have learned such and such" and such bollocks.
Confidence? If anything, Durham's killed whatever remained of my confidence, certainly the academic aspects.
Ah well. Bollocks to it. At least it means I don't need to worry about offending people now that I'm pretty sure I won't be here next year. So I've got some bridge-burning to do, I think... First off I might consider, for instance, asking the Master why he reckons he can tell what I can and can't wear. Or maybe why he went paranoid about the airsoft thing and felt the need to have my room searched. And I'll certainly be deducting at least half the cost of my extended let from my third and last invoice. After all, if I had less than half use of my room during the holiday - I had to clear it so they could redecorate, which negated the point of having it in the first place - then I reckon deducting that money is perfectly justified.
And I'll be giving the ITS the bollocking of a lifetime.
As a result of the course, I feel confident in tackling unfamiliar problems.
Okay, that wasn't the one I copied a moment ago, but ah well. Anyway, it was full of things like that. "The course has taught me to discuss academic stuff with other students," "I have become more confident as a result of the course," "I have learned such and such" and such bollocks.
Confidence? If anything, Durham's killed whatever remained of my confidence, certainly the academic aspects.
Ah well. Bollocks to it. At least it means I don't need to worry about offending people now that I'm pretty sure I won't be here next year. So I've got some bridge-burning to do, I think... First off I might consider, for instance, asking the Master why he reckons he can tell what I can and can't wear. Or maybe why he went paranoid about the airsoft thing and felt the need to have my room searched. And I'll certainly be deducting at least half the cost of my extended let from my third and last invoice. After all, if I had less than half use of my room during the holiday - I had to clear it so they could redecorate, which negated the point of having it in the first place - then I reckon deducting that money is perfectly justified.
And I'll be giving the ITS the bollocking of a lifetime.
That's odd
I just read the text on the back of a water bottle.
"Bottle: PET, recyclable where facilities exist."
Why do they write that? Nuclear missiles and chemical weapons are recyclable where facilities exist!
"Bottle: PET, recyclable where facilities exist."
Why do they write that? Nuclear missiles and chemical weapons are recyclable where facilities exist!
Here's a new one...
Now this is one I haven't seen before. They're getting cleverer....
Well, apart from using a .hk email address for an Irishman. And the lousy English. And so on.
Well, apart from using a .hk email address for an Irishman. And the lousy English. And so on.
PART TIME JOB OFFER
My name is David Anderson. I just came about your email address and your brief profile through an email listing affiliated with the US Chamber of Commerce and I would be very interested in offering you a part-time paying job in which you could earn alot without quitting your present Job or having problem with your employers.I am a man with 4 kids all boys and the love of my life, my wife. I am a some what multitalented man and I do quite a lot of traveling and get to meet quite a lot of people.
I just resigned my job as a research scientist for ARINI (Agricultural research Institute of Northern Ireland (www.arini.ac.uk)) but I still work as a freelance consultant for the instistute which gives me very much time to do my own work which is basically being a freelance researcher who could be employed by research institutes to do research projects anywhere in the world.
I reside in Ireland, Dublin even though I have lived most of my life in other parts of the world, I am fully residing in Ireland. Presently, I have just been granted a funding to head a research project in the tropical regions of West Africa regarding rare and vulnerable plant species and this would be commencing very soon.
However my funding were by my American counterparts who send me the bunch of payments mostly in US based money orders. Getting an accountant in the states or opening an account would have been my best choice but I have a deadline to meet and taking any of those choices would cost me time and a whole lot of other requirements. I am not ready to deal with, as I would be traveling a lot in the meantime.
So presently, assuming you would be able to deal with cash, I would be willing to employ you on contract basis to be my payment representative back in the states, this way I could issue and make payments in form of Money Orders, Cashier's Check, etc out to you, you could then cash them easily, withdraw 5% of the total amount on these payment instruments as your commission and then send the rest back to me through wire transfer.
Please, bear it in mind that we would be dealing with quite a handful of cash and you a could be making up to $5000 just working with me in a short period of time within 1-2 weeks.
I would be glad if you accept my proposal and I intend to commence on starting as soon as you are ready. If you are interested, please email me back so we could make concluding arrangements. Please reply me through this email address: sd_anderson111@yahoo.com.hk
Hamas win. Film at ten.
More Palestine news all over the... well, news. Who really cares any more? Just posted this on the BBC's discussion about it:
I find it very difficult to care any more about the Israeli-Palestinian situation. Whenever an attempt is made by either side, something comes along - again, from either side - to derail the peace process. While the Palestinian claim to the land feels more legitimate - having actually lived on the land for a long time in living memory as opposed to a claim that "God told me so" - the suicide attacks just undermine their cause; indeed, I sometimes suspect that some of the attacks feel rather too convenient for Israel.
Similarly, while I find it hard to believe that a nation entirely based on a common religion should be necessary (it was fifty years ago but not, in my opinion, any more), Israel need to very carefully reevaluate their rules of engagement. Tank crews firing on children throwing stones? "Arresting" suspected terrorists by launching Mavericks at their cars? They have vastly superior military power, and with that power comes the responsibility to use it in a sensible and humane way.
I wonder if the region is salvagable at all. Perhaps we should just let them get on with it, if they're just going to continue squabbling like two little children fighting over the world's biggest sandpit?
Religion is a really bad reason to kill people.
Students. Idiots. Difference?
I may be somewhat overestimating the intelligence of the average student, but how difficult can it really be to flush the loo, put the lid down and turn off the light?
Bloody cretins.
Bloody cretins.
Swindlers, con artists and [BLEEP]ing Alienware
"You will return all dispatchhed items to us, and a new system will be arranged for you..."
BOLLOCKS.
Yes, folks, roll up! Roll up! Roll up for a tale of woe, a story of the most hideously mismanaged PR exercise in the history of computing! The tale of how the Alienware fanboy went from fan to... well, not so fan.
Um.
Well, I'm actually lost for words. I'll post a summary of the situation some time later, when I have some control over my temper, because at the moment my best suggestion for improving customer service at Alienware is to give them a chili suppository.
BOLLOCKS.
Yes, folks, roll up! Roll up! Roll up for a tale of woe, a story of the most hideously mismanaged PR exercise in the history of computing! The tale of how the Alienware fanboy went from fan to... well, not so fan.
Um.
Well, I'm actually lost for words. I'll post a summary of the situation some time later, when I have some control over my temper, because at the moment my best suggestion for improving customer service at Alienware is to give them a chili suppository.
Of bathrooms and bloody students
I have an idea.
A brilliant idea, of such glowing and effervescent genius that I'm surprised nobody's thought of it so far.
Y'see, it's based on the theory that no sane person would want to find the loo in a disgusting state, and that given the option they would prefer the bathrooms, in fact, to be moderately clean. I realise this is asking a lot in a college, but it's worth a shot.
Picture the scene this morning. I enter the bathroom (which contains a toilet, a badly-constructed shower cubicle, and no sink. Handy.) and the first thing I set eyes upon in a toilet with the lid up. Not the seat, though, which is progress of a sort.
Then I glance into the shower cubicle in preparation for my ablutions and find a lump of chewing gum (at least I hope it was chewing gum) in the corner and a revolting bundle of suspiciously coarse hair in the drain. That's not counting, of course, the statutory mould in the grouting, the hideous film of soap residue on the walls and the odd sticky effect on the floor.
Oh, and while I'm whingeing, the Brits are bloody useless at building bathrooms. We have central heating in every room in the house except the bathroom. In there we have dodgy windows and cold tiles.
Perhaps I'm strange, but I would have thought the first room on your list of "rooms to install a radiator in" would be the bathroom. You know, given that it's the only room in the house where you're both kitless and soaked at once with any regularity. (Stop that giggling, at the back. I know what you're thinking of, and no, it's neither funny nor original. Yes, I am sure.) Maybe even one of those electric towel racks would be nice, but noooo.... Oh, and I particularly like the way they put the smoke detector just outside.
You know, just outside that room with the deodorant sprays and the steam.
Good, eh?
Where was I?
Oh yes, bloody students.
Yes, so my grand scheme is this:
Compulsory toilet training for those who consistently display an ignorance of this nursery school skill.
The curriculum, as I envision it, includes practical lessons on the design and function of the simple toilet seat, including a basic course on how to lower it and under which circumstances it should be lowered. It also includes a basic introduction to the deployment of the flush, which I realise is an advanced concept for some beginning students.
Next we will cover the rather advanced subject of targeting, aided by a large bottle, a length of garden hose and a dartboard. The course will then conclude with a basic course from housekeeping on how to CLEAN THE BLOODY SHOWER AFTER YOU'RE DONE DRIBBLING BLOODY REVOLTING STUFF ALL OVER IT. And yes, that is the full title of that module.
The course will then conclude with a short practical exam.
A brilliant idea, of such glowing and effervescent genius that I'm surprised nobody's thought of it so far.
Y'see, it's based on the theory that no sane person would want to find the loo in a disgusting state, and that given the option they would prefer the bathrooms, in fact, to be moderately clean. I realise this is asking a lot in a college, but it's worth a shot.
Picture the scene this morning. I enter the bathroom (which contains a toilet, a badly-constructed shower cubicle, and no sink. Handy.) and the first thing I set eyes upon in a toilet with the lid up. Not the seat, though, which is progress of a sort.
Then I glance into the shower cubicle in preparation for my ablutions and find a lump of chewing gum (at least I hope it was chewing gum) in the corner and a revolting bundle of suspiciously coarse hair in the drain. That's not counting, of course, the statutory mould in the grouting, the hideous film of soap residue on the walls and the odd sticky effect on the floor.
Oh, and while I'm whingeing, the Brits are bloody useless at building bathrooms. We have central heating in every room in the house except the bathroom. In there we have dodgy windows and cold tiles.
Perhaps I'm strange, but I would have thought the first room on your list of "rooms to install a radiator in" would be the bathroom. You know, given that it's the only room in the house where you're both kitless and soaked at once with any regularity. (Stop that giggling, at the back. I know what you're thinking of, and no, it's neither funny nor original. Yes, I am sure.) Maybe even one of those electric towel racks would be nice, but noooo.... Oh, and I particularly like the way they put the smoke detector just outside.
You know, just outside that room with the deodorant sprays and the steam.
Good, eh?
Where was I?
Oh yes, bloody students.
Yes, so my grand scheme is this:
Compulsory toilet training for those who consistently display an ignorance of this nursery school skill.
The curriculum, as I envision it, includes practical lessons on the design and function of the simple toilet seat, including a basic course on how to lower it and under which circumstances it should be lowered. It also includes a basic introduction to the deployment of the flush, which I realise is an advanced concept for some beginning students.
Next we will cover the rather advanced subject of targeting, aided by a large bottle, a length of garden hose and a dartboard. The course will then conclude with a basic course from housekeeping on how to CLEAN THE BLOODY SHOWER AFTER YOU'RE DONE DRIBBLING BLOODY REVOLTING STUFF ALL OVER IT. And yes, that is the full title of that module.
The course will then conclude with a short practical exam.
What are you - survivor or zombie fodder?
Found this amusing little test on the net - I scored 91%, which is respectable. And it gives a nice little pic of someone in CQB gear with an MP5, which is nice.
The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test
The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test