Business Writing And The Evils Thereof

[awmperry]

Yes, it's time for a spot of audience participation. Below are two different ways of phrasing a news post for an airsoft game taking place in Sweden next year. Bearing in mind that the audience is airsofters, which of the two do you think is more appropriate? Votes on a postcard... or in a comment, I suppose, if you're picky.

This...

Unpaid Tickets Deleted

We're about to delete the unpaid tickets, releasing them for booking. We'll start with the unpaid Swedish bookings, then get on to foreign bookings on Friday to allow for the longer processing time on payments from abroad. We will also be allocating some of them to people on the queue.

Those who have contacted us to let us know about delays in payment will not be removed; if you've told us your payment will be late and have been removed anyway, let us know at the usual address and it'll all be sorted out.

Oh, and we've already got through the first 75 unpaid Swedish bookings.

...or this?

Culling The Herd

It's that time again!

Once again we start the unending battle 'gainst the unpaid. Armed with holy water, stakes and flaming torches, we're about to cut yet another bloody swathe through the unpaid hordes.

We'll begin with the unpaid Swedish bookings, then get on to foreign bookings on Friday to allow for the longer processing time on payments from abroad. We'll be releasing these slots for booking, and will be allocating some of them to people on the queue.

Those who have contacted us to let us know about delays in payment will not be removed; if you've told us your payment will be late and have been removed anyway, let us know at the usual address and it'll all be sorted out. Within seconds, I tell you! Seconds! (Or at least a couple of days. Probably.)

What say you?

Comments

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

Do I, from this, infer that you received the first type of e-mail?

[awmperry.livejournal.com]

No - they're two versions of a news post that I wrote. The second one is my first version, but I was told to change it to something more formal - which resulted in the incredibly tedious first version.

Oh, all right, you got me - the first version's more concise. I'm just bored.

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

The second one is maybe a little flippant, but it made me grin and it almost impossible to take offense at. The first sounded too clinical for my taste, too much as if the organisers didn't really want me there. It *is*, to the cold clinical eye, perfectly adequate, but my initial reaction would have been unfavorable, whereas the second would create a guilty blush of the 'OMG, did I pay my bill' variety.

[awmperry.livejournal.com]

Thanks - my thoughts exactly. :-)

[esmeraldus-neo.livejournal.com]

I like the second, but it is a well-established fact that I am too flippant.

But it's AIRSOFT players, not my dissertation.