awmperry

Watching the Eurovision on iPlayer, so thought I might as well jot down a few remarks.

Semi-final 1

Montenegro: Meh.

Czech Republic: Lay off the energy drinks. I liked the drum bit, though.

Belgium: I'm an Elvis fan. Somebody shoot this guy.

Belarus: Pleasantly surprised. Could do without the pretentious dancing sheet, but the singer can actually sing, and he's standing still, which is a big plus.

Sweden: Malena Ernman has a very good voice. I really hate the song, though, and Swedes should never be allowed to do choreography. Seriously, just don't. (The prosecution calls Exhibit A: wossname, the choreographer from Rhapsody In Rock.)

Armenia: Nice sort of blues rock vibe to it, but the song still manages to annoy me.
Addendum: On the recap, this one's growing on me. I have no idea why.

Andorra: Pretty inoffensive, and not too much bouncing about. The intro reminded me of Abba's old "Honey Honey" (without actually resembling it). Not at all bad.

Switzerland: Nah. Unremarkable and, to be honest, not terribly original. Just dull.

Turkey: What's this? Belly dancing lite from Turkey? Surely not! Well, the tune has a nice beat to it, and the singer's like a not-quite-as-good cross between Shakira and Anastacia, but the backing dancers are - as is traditional, of course - rather irritating. Not a bad tune, anyway. To my considerable surprise I found myself quite liking it, for no discernable reason.

Israel: A duet between Cuddy (from House) and a cross between Ziva David and Linda Bengtzing. It's a message song, as the commentator put it, but getting a message across to a global audience is impeded a bit when the lyrics are in Hebrew. All in all, though, a fairly pleasant tune.

Oh, and the Russian MCs? They make me slightly disappointed that the KGB don't take people out the back any more. I can't help but wish Wogan were here to comment on them.

Bulgaria: No. That high-pitched singing rather annoys me - castrati went out in 1880 or so - and seriously, stilts? As for the backing dancers, the 80s called. They want their hair back. Annoying song, too. I like the clockwork stage, though.
Addendum: Nope, the recap's not helping. Go away.

Iceland: Good singer. No prancing about. Dull song, though; good, but dull.

Macedonia: Blimey. It's two Richard Hammonds wearing Brian May's hair. Surprisingly non-bad musically, though.

Romania: Drums are good. I like drums. Fairly pleasant song, too, but a bit of a nonentity.

Finland: Oh dear. And one of the backing singers - who were the most musical part of the number, by the way - appears to be wearing plastic tights. Why?
Addendum: Actually, the beat's starting to grow on me. Just fire the rapper. It's the Eurovision Song Contest...

Portugal: The guitarist's got a pretty nice groove going, but other than that... Nah, not a big fan. It's not a bad song, I just don't like it.
Addendum: It's annoying me more and more with every recap.

Malta: I don't like her voice, but she can sing. But what a mismatched backing track! Obnoxious, bombastic, far louder than the singer, and on a completely different beat. Technical cockup, I hope, rather than appalling songwriting.
Addendum: Phew. Turned out that was from the Company Of Heroes installation in the background (which, ironically, means it's surprising that it fit as well as it did). Why do game installers do that? Anyway, I really can't be bothered going back to this tune.

Bosnia: Oh god. They're being dramatic. Not bad, but not my thing.
Addendum: It's Les Mis: The Inadvisable Sequel.

The Big One: The commentary, of course, is the reason one watches the Eurovision. Terry Wogan's a hard act to follow, but the British commentator, Paddy O'Connell, had a bloody good stab at it. In fact, the female MC just bellowed "I've never been in a better place in my life!" O'Connell's nigh-instant retort? "Get out more."

Yes, I think we may be seeing a worthy Wogan in the making. Give him time - and for heaven's sake, Auntie Beeb, get this guy back for the main show.

Highlights:

MC: "Who'll get to press the magic button? Can I? Can I press the magic button?"
Paddy: "It's a button, love."

"The Irish commentator just walked into the booth here and said he wished they'd keep it down, they're trying to sleep."

"You know it's Eurovision when you can ask 'What does Dum Tek Tek mean?' and get told it means 'Boom Bang A Bang"."

"Every woman tonight gets touched by the hosts. [...] He was quite good early on, Dmitri Shepelev. This is the scenes of horror in the green room..."

"There's a bit of Barney Rubble about the guy who runs the Eurovision."

MC: "Portugal! We love you!"
Paddy: "Someone's gonna have to take him away."

MC: "Who gets to press the button? Who gets it?"
Paddy: "Just hit him."
MC: "I don't press buttons on the catwalk! ...I press buttons outside the catwalk, though. Where are your buttons, Andrei?"
Paddy: "I'm getting rather uncomfortable, actually."

Semi-final 2

I like the balalaika band opening the show with Volare and other Eurovision classics. Particularly amusing are Uncle Fester on bass and Bill Bailey on accordion.

Croatia: First impressions: a pleasant voice, but come on, lad, but some welly into it. A good song, a good performance, but not to my taste - I found it infinitely tedious.

Ireland: Good heavens. A bit of a change of pace, some pretty standard rock, but yeah. Oddly, I actually like it.
Addendum: For a minute or two. After that it gets repetetetetetetetitive.

Latvia: "We head off to Latvia now, and a warning if you have musical taste, it means 'Traffic Jam'," says Paddy. It would actually be quite a fun song if the guy could stand still. And, as it often the case, it's about two minutes too long.
Addendum: Okay, bored now.
Addendum 2: Okay, seriously, just go away. As Paddy said: "All right, it means 'traffic jam', but I think it should mean 'car crash'."

Serbia: He's off his meds! I'm not sure if it's Sigmund Freud or Don King, but it's bonkers. And in the time it took to type that, I've got sick of it.

Paddy: "Let me know if I should open this vodka."

Poland: Nice voice; good first impression. Go on, now dive into some rubbish pounding techno to prove my cynical curmudgeonliness right. Go on. Oh, it's not. Instead it's going into a pretty decent rock ballad that somehow reminds me a bit of All By Myself without actually resembling it in any way. I hate to admit it, but I actually quite like this one. Her voice is a bit sharp, but I do like it.

Norge: He's mugging a bit, but what the hey, it's Eurovision. And he's a lead vocalist actually playing an instrument that's not a guitar, which is nice. Or appearing to play it, anyway. It's a decent tune, nice and original and with a solid Scandinavian feel, but... Nah. I don't like it.

Cyprus: Oh good, it's a twee little music box. I hate it already.
Addendum: It does improve, but not enough to make me like it even the slightest bit. And I really dislike her wobbly voice.

Slovakia: A good first impression. Standing still, nice and restrained, and a good jazz voice singing a pretty decent big ballad. And a very well-written song. I still don't like it, but that doesn't mean it's not good.

Denmark: It's a boy band without the band. Or rather, a boy with a band. It's musically sound, but it just grates to me. Good, but I hate it.
Addendum: It didn't help that the guy was flat on the last phrase.

Paddy: "Oh look. It's Nicole Kidman and Jonathan Ross!"

Slovenia: An entire Classical Rock concert - a very enjoyable one, actually - with the singer delivering two or three lines from behind a screen. It doesn't really stand out in any way, but I like it.

Hungary: Glam disco. Again, a musically and technically competent tune, but I really don't like it. I suspect I'd like it better if it didn't feel like an aerobics video.

Azerbaijan: Azerbaijan's in the Eurovision now? Europe's growing... Anyway, yeah, I don't like it. Not sure why. But the singers' inability to stay on tone isn't helping them. I like the beat, but it's pretty much idential to that Ukrainian tune from a few years ago, so that's not surprising.

Greece: The choreography's quite impressive. Unfortunately the backing singers could have done just as good a job of the song without the Jeff Goldblum lookalike in the middle. And I like the conveyor belt lightbox, although their attempt at a zero-G lean had none of the elegance of Michael Jackson's version. It's a shame - an insipid nonentity of a song, backed up by a technically quite interesting choreography and impressive lightbox/conveyor belt/ramp/thing.
Addendum: It's all about the magic lightbox. Nobody cares about the bloody singer, but every bloke and/or geek on the planet wants that lightbox. It has a conveyor belt! And zero-G boots! And a ramp! And a massive plasma screen on every surface! All it needs is Bluetooth and it'd be perfect.

Lithuania: It's good... Again, though, I just don't like it. And it doesn't impress me enough either way to either praise or snark it.

Moldova: Catchy, and a very enthusiastic performance. Feels like a really good folk music performance with a horn section and a bass guitar, which I suspect may well be what it is. It's actually really good with a nice beat... just a shame I've never managed to like the Eastern European styles of folk music.

Albania: Techno + Mimes + Turquoise The Gimp = just as bollocks as it sounds. She's a good singer, but ye gods, the song, the tune and the show are dire.
Addendum: Actually, now I know where I've seen Turquoise before. The movements, the faceless suit... it's those zombie nurses from the Silent Hill film!

Ukraine: Cage dancing hamsters. It's bonkers. Every ounce of musical taste in me is telling me to hate it, despite the giant gears and the V6 floor, but... Actually, you know what? I do kinda hate it.
Addendum: To be fair, it's got a kinda neat Yello vibe to it, and her drum solo was entertaining. But come on - it's got centurion strippers in hamster wheels with dancing inspired by 24V truck batteries. That just can't be good.
Addendum 2: That said, bonkers is good and should be encouraged.

Estonia: Good first impression. Blue set, elegant lady in elegant dress standing still and singing well while playing violin. Just a shame the tune is so mind-numbingly dull.
Addendum: There are some nice rhythms and syncopations in the melody line, but they're just not interesting enough.

Netherlands: Paddy's right - it's old-school Eurovision. Just a shame it's bollocks. And poorly-chosen wardrobe.

Oh god, they let the Russian MCs back again.

MC: "So we are getting ready to press the magic button-"
Paddy: "Ooooh, the magic button!"

What? Graham Norton's going to be the new Wogan? I have my doubts, but we'll see on Saturday. I hope he'll be as snarky as Terry. If he's not, get Paddy in. But he's quite snide on Just A Minute, so it could work.

In other news, that Company of Heroes installation went bollocks up. Ah well.

MC: "The magic button."
PAddy: "Yeah, I think it's just a button, to be honest with you."

I might do a quick writeup of the final, if I can be bothered.