How to identify a chav

[awmperry]

On the Fictionalley Park forums (in this thread) alexia75 posted a rather amusing Chav version of the Christmas story (see the cut), which... um... set me off on a bit of an anti-muppet tirade. Just a bit.


A Chav Christmas

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin

(wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's

got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an'

that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.



One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo

ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the

duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives

it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no

Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'



So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months

gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with

spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like

'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and

I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra

benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah,

s'pose you're right'



Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse

a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to

this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her

bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn,

innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this

garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep

an' that.



Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper

bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like

`Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men

from the East End. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise,

wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why

dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'



It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again

an' sez he's got another message from this Lord

geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're

killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to

Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm

goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'



Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out

if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've

stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an'

Jesus turns water into Stella.



APPY CRIMBO

---

"So these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling..."

Great sentence, and also Exhibit A in the case of Civilisation Vs The Chavs. Don't get me started on the buggers....

Oh, and they always drive hatchbacks, don't they? Bung an extra exhaust pipe on; doesn't matter if it's actually connected to anything, as long as there are at least four "phat pipes" sticking out the back of their obscene pile of mutant scrap.

And then, of course, they have to drill a few holes in the working exhaust pipe; what's the point in looking a prat if no one can hear you coming? You need some advance warning to get the [I]heavy[/I] weapons out, after all...

This is much the same principle as the eleven subwoofers they install like great magnetic carbuncles. And then they open the windows so the whole world can hear their dreadful taste in so-called "music".

Ah, but that's just the start.

Next they have to paint their cars some stupid colour like gloss purple, or Ponce Gold, or Dulux No. 14 Magnolia. And install a spoiler - can't drive anyfin' wivou' a spoiler, right, innit? (I saw a van once which had been painted gloss blue and with a spoiler installed - but flush with the top of the van, so it would fit into the garage. Talk about missing the point.)

And then the wheels. Tasteful rims that might look good are a no-no; they've got to be bling, after all. If in doubt, go for gold and shiny.

Oh, and what about the custom plates? What's the point, after all, in driving a car unless you can tell the world that you're an utter 4R53?

This produces, in summary, a vehicle eminently suited to driving up and down the High Street 47 times every weeknight, picking up "birds" with the same dreadful taste in everything, who think that tracksuits are cool and exercise (judging from the lard buckets here in Scotland) is not. If you keep the neighbours awak (in Uruguay), you are successful.

All in all, the above are among the easiest ways of demonstrating your street cred, showing that you're immensely cool, and getting 'spect from all your mates, imbeciles that they are.

They also demonstrate to the rest of the world that you are a pillock.

'Sup.

Comments

[green-knight.livejournal.com]

Oh dear.

But that update to the Christmas Story is just wonderful, innit?